Beautiful Day!

It's a beautiful Sunday morning.  I'm slightly ahead on my homework so I'm taking a little time to relax today.  I can't skip doing homework altogether though.  I'm working more days than usual this week, so I have to make sure I'm far ahead of schedule on homework.  It actually feels good that I'm getting ahead this way, hopefully I can hold onto the head start.  LOL

Spring is on its way!  Yay!  If only there was some way to speed it here a little faster!  The birds are returning and that's a good sign.  I'm not sure if it's the same bird or not, but every year there is one bird that makes the sound of a doorbell when he sings.  My daughter and I like to think he is our friend and returns to keep us company during the summer.  Although sometimes his call can get a bit annoying.  :-)  Just like any other friend, I guess.

Art History is Kicking my Butt

Today is the last day of the first week of my Art History class and I'm already feeling a bit overwhelmed.  There is a lot of reading for this class.  Reading the online lectures, reading the text book, reading the research I have to do on websites, and then reading the other student's assignments and commenting on them.  At least with that later part I really only have to read 2-3 other students work and then comment with something more than, "I agree, that's interesting."  My assignments are most of the time essays that have to be between 400-500 words.  That might not seem like much until you sit down to actually achieve it.

I thought I'd get in the habit of writing on my blog each night, but I've been staying up late doing homework instead, so I'm trying the morning approach.

Last night I went to Yoga and had a great experience.  I usually do.  I always feel cleansed, light, and ready to face the world again after going.  The biggest problem for me is...getting there.  Sometimes I have to drag myself in, kicking and screaming.  Why, if I like the results so much?  I'm not sure. Something about pulling myself out of the comfort of my warm home, no doubt.  And this is how it is for many people with the same and other subject matter.  We know what is good for us, but we resist doing it.  Are we afraid of failure?  Are we afraid of the change it will bring in our lives?  Change, especially within ourselves, does not come easy, but I've seen the positive results of it in my life and it is worth the trouble.  Now, if I could just muster up the strength and willpower to tackle that next mountain looming in the near distance.

Some Art work I created in my last class

This is a pastel drawing. I believe that history doesn't revolve in circles, but rather in spirals for each time history seems to start repeating itself a slightly different choice is made. Therefore history doesn't meet, forming a circle, it bi-passes and forms a spiral, hopefully in an upward fashion, indicating progress. For this assignment I was supposed to find a quote that fit into my concept and use pastels to create it. note: if you want to see the image bigger then click on it.
For this assignment I had to use watercolors to create an ad about a beach resort. My professor didn't think I could pull off this concept and thus cautioned me about proceeding with it, but I was undaunted and she was surprised at the outcome. ;-)This assignment involved creating a poster for an event, using acrylic paints. Since I'm so into astrology and have always wanted to attend a convention this is what I came up with. I've decided I'd like to redo it and reverse the colors, so that the red, orange, and yellows are the larger symbols.
This was probably the hardest assignment for me to come up with a concept for. I had to find an already printed article and then create a composition that articulated what was in the article. This was difficult for me because I wanted to do an article out of one of my crochet mags, but in doing that the concepts I came up with were to literal and more like drawing a how-to, not what impresses the professor. :-D So, the article I chose came out of Parents magazine and talked about how children are constantly finding small objects and shoving them up their noses, in their ears, and swallowing them. This composition used watercolors, pastels, and acrylics to achieve the overall look. This is another assignment that my professor tried to steer me in a different direction. I'm unsure of why she couldn't see how having the objects bigger than the baby was a sure sign of their perceived danger. Can you? Anyway, in the end I received another 'A' for this assignment as well.

The Magic of Friendship

The subject of friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. As a person with a Gemini astrological sign I 'should' be a person who can make friends easily, but alas such is not the case with me.

I have a few very close friends that I know I can always count on to be there when I need them. One in particular I have known for over 20 years; since I was 15. Another I have never met, in person, and another knows me better than I probably know myself in more ways than one or two. Those three are friends forever, I'm sure. Why? Why have we been able to form a life-long bond? Maybe the question should be, why have I aloud those people to be a part of my life. Because, here's the thing, I think I have trouble making friends for two reasons. First, I'm weird, sort of awkward. I like a lot of odd things, and I'm not always willing or able to just be myself because I'm afraid of being rejected. The people that are close to me tell me that I'm unique, amazing and very talented and sometimes I believe them. Which brings me to the second reason I think I have trouble making friends...My self-confidence isn't always up to par and when it is a funny thing happens I become too confident and people are turned off by that, especially women.

So some potential friendships have come and went with me left wondering why I let myself suffer like this. And then I wonder if I really want friends. Maybe I just want to hibernate with my crochet and good movies. Or maybe I'm just selfish and I want someone to put forth the effort to get to know me for once.

For now I'll be content with the friends I have and maybe when I'm done wallowing in self-pity some other good friends will come along to prove me wrong.

What I've been busy with for the last few weeks

I just finished my Mixed Media class. It was fun and I learned so much! It's one of the few classes I don't want to come to an end, especially since my next class is The History of Art in the Western World. I love art, but I'm not much into reading about it and writing essays about it.

Anyway, I thought I'd post my last assignment so you could all see some of what I've done. For this assignment we had to take 12 of our experimental pieces and compile them together as a sort of postcard advertisement. Obviously, our professor picked the topic because I certainly wouldn't have chosen teapots! LOL The studies are done in a variety of mediums including, pastels, watercolors, acrylics and some are combination of those three. I like my pastel drawings the best, especially the one front and center. Someone in my class said it would look good in a coffee shop.

What do you think? Speak up! :-D

Later I'll post some of the other assignments that I'm so proud of! LOL

Welcome Friends

Hi new Peoples! Welcome to my blog. Sit back, relax, comment...stay a while. Just got home from work, so I'll post more tomorrow.

Dressing Up!

Ok, so I've already known this for years, but in the past 4-5 years I have ignored the fact that dressing up makes me feel good! I used to wear make-up all of the time and dress in nice outfits that weren't really trendy but just me, MY style. And then slowly I stopped wearing makeup and eventually stopped dressing up as much, preferring to wash and go. No hastles. I believed I had become more aware of myself and what was truly me and I didn't need to use makeup and clothes as a crutch to feel confident.

I think I may have been wrong. Perhaps it was just a faze and I needed to go through it. All I know is that on Friday I knew I had to talk to my boss about something that was upsetting me about work and I wanted to feel confident so he couldn't guilt me into backing down. I decided to do my makeup and I added a little extra volume to my hair. OMG! I felt so hot that day and I could tell I wasn't the only one who thought so. :-D I talked to my boss, he was pissy, as usual, but I think he saw that I wasn't going to let him make me feel bad for what I had to say. Awesome!

Dressing up? Is it all in my head? Maybe...but I don't care! I think I'll be dressing up more often again. It's good for the soul!

What a beautiful Day!

I'm so glad the first signs of spring are showing up. The sun seems to be trying to peek through the clouds more and more.

Lately I've been listening to a lot of music. Music from the 80's that I miss so much, some from the 90's, and I've been trying out some of the latest stuff too. It's been fun, and it's been reminding me of how much music motivates me to move! I work longer and harder with music playing. It really makes me want to go dancing; get my groove on. I want to dress up in a sexy black dress, do my make-up and hair, perhaps even wear some sexy high-heeled boots. I want to go to a dance club where I can lose myself in the music and really pump and grind. The last time I remember doing that I think it was over 7 or 8 years ago. Oh, how I need that right now. Anyone want to come along? If I don't get any takers soon, I'll go crazy and go on my own...

Attachment

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today about attachment. As I've continued to think on that conversation I think I have decided that attachment is likened to the word 'love' in the sense that it can have many meanings and interpretations. The conversation started because of the mutual feeling that I was getting to attached to my friend. But now I argue that the problem wasn't that I'm attached, it's that I may be fostering an unhealthy attachment. I think we are all attached to others in different ways, and thus the need for different meanings of that word.

I'm attached to my daughter, but is that wrong? No way! She is part of me, she is what keeps me going on those days when I just want to quit. How would you define that attachment? I'm attached to my friend because we have a long history together and because who knows why, but the cosmos seem to want us to stay friends. I'm attached to another friend, much the same way as the former, but the attachment is different. I've never felt like it could verge on unhealthy.

So, that brings us to the inevitable question. What or how should we define an attachment that is too much; that is unhealthy? I think part of that answer actually lies within us, within how we feel. If I feel like I'm losing myself, my abilitly to decide what I want for myself and not what I think the other person wants, then I'm probably exibiting an unhealthy attachment. If I begin to feel myself wanting to change or force another person to feel the way I do or meet certain expectations then, again, that is unhealthy.

So, in the end my friend and I may still disagree about attachments and whether it's OK to have them, but I can say for myself I think the healthy ones are perfectly fine, normal, in fact important to being human.

I'm angry

at the world, at a friend, at myself. It's easier to be angry than hurt and in pain. I know it's OK to be angry too; its a natural part of any grievance process, but how long is it OK to be angry? Anger has a tendency to motivate me, so in that sense I guess it would be good yo always be angry, huh? What do you think?

I suppose I should explore why I am angry. I know a few reasons, but they will have to wait. Some other reasons are that I'm angry that I can't just be confident and secure all the time. I'm angry that I attach myself to things and people that don't want me back. I like challenges, but its ridiculous to always want what you can't have and always shun what wants you so much. I'm angry at myself for being afraid to let someone in and at the same time for wanting someone so badly.

I'm angry at the world for all the violence, the constant hatred...it can't be creating a good energy for us to feed off of.

So, I guess while the anger is still burning I should get some things done!

What's in a Name?

So I've been thinking about my last name, actually I've thought about it for a long time. I'm torn. My current last name is Ashby. It's the last name of my ex-husband. I hate that it connects me to him, but I like that it goes well with my first and middle name, making my initials AAA. Also, my daughter's last name is Ashby and I can't bare the thought of not sharing the same last name as her.

Several years ago when I ran a website called Divine Pleasures a few of my friends dubbed me Miss Divine and it stuck with me. Now the Divine that is attached to my screen name represents the Goddess in me. It serves to remind me that I am lovable and that I am worthy of love. I am divine even though sometimes I don't feel like it.

Long Day...

What should have felt like a too short of a day has turned out to feel too long. I had revelations today...ones that I'm not willing to talk of now. Maybe later when the pain is not still fresh. Two dear friends were there for me and I'm thankful for that.

I had planned to talk on the subject of a name...mine, yours, ours...but that will have to wait; my shoulder is aching and my bed is begging. Sweet dreams...

Another day is Gone

and I am still alone. As I walked through my front door this evening, getting home from a 4 hour shift at Michaels the words of a Michael Jackson song played through my mind. I started this blog for many reasons. Many that I know and probably many that I don't know. It's true that this blog may at times seem like a pity party and anyone is welcome to join me, but it is also true that this blog will be an inspiration to myself and hopefully others as well. Please feel free to join me either way. Perhaps we will grow together.

I'm starting a new journey. I've always been on a journey toward self-understanding and betterment, but I feel it is time to dive deeper. I've long felt like I don't belong anywhere or that I just haven't found that 'perfect' place...Sometimes I feel that it is out there, calling to me and other days I feel like there's just emptiness out there. Since I was around 14 I began to feel like Colorado might be my place, but I've never been able to move there to find out. It was when I was 14 that my family went to visit my Uncle who lives in New Castle, Co. He's take me horseback riding and I loved it. I felt free and connected.

And then again, maybe it's not really a place that I seek, but a state of mind...

First Blog Post

Blog started...more thoughts to come